I get asked a lot why I would want five children. The answer. I didn’t really even want one child. It just happened. After we had our first, I felt like he needed a sibling and so it begin. Three, four, and five were a surprise. Now that I have answered that repeated question, the next is always, but why? Well, because abortion is not an option for me. I am not telling anyone else they can not have one but for me it isn’t an option. So I chose to have five kids because that is what happened.
So now on to the other questions I am asked. Five children is a lot, yes! It is like trying to watch 5 different shows at once. No two kids are alike in any way. They may have a few of the same interests but none of them are alike. They each have their own personalities, their funny moments and those moments where they piss me off and make me wish this was a real job where I could just quit!
It is more than just frustrating. My three youngest children are close enough in age that it feels like I have triplets instead of twins. They get into the same stuff, they act the same way at times. The difference, my three year old can talk and voice his dislike which he does often.
But having children is no ball park, it isn’t easy and anyone who tells you that being a stay at home mom is easy, they are lying. Sure, we get to watch our kids grow up, be there for them, not miss a single moment of their lives. But it is also very trying. It wears you out and question your sanity. No, I don’t regret having five children, however I do remember that 2 children were a lot easier than five.
The laundry that these children go through is insane. Let me tell you how much fun it is when one of them has lice! Imagine your load of laundry but added 6 other people who change their clothing about as fast as their moods! Then you have a blanket that they have individual but wait they need to share one as well. On an average week without lice situations I am doing laundry twice a week. This isn’t including towels, because ya know if they make a mess, well that is six more clean towels that just got dirty and it should have only been one! When my children had lice, the washing machine was running all day for three days straight trying to get everything washed up and cleaned up from the lovely bugs!!!
Now lets talk about going out to dinner at a restaurant. Mcdonald’s to feed my family is $50 if we are lucky $40 off the dollar menu. Any place else is $70 plus a huge table to fit us all. Party of seven here we come!! So we just don’t go out to dinner often, if we do, it is a cheaper place to eat!
Eating at home is the much cheaper and easier way to go. However our dishwasher runs twice a day on average. Plates and cups for days, I bet you are thinking everyone gets one cup and that is it, right? Wrong, someone always drinks out of someone else’s cup. Oh no!!! so five new cups sitting on the counter is what is going to happen by the end of the day! The twinkies lose their sippy cups and it is much easier for the other children to get them new ones than to look for the ones that are currently out some place.
A messy house has always drove me crazy. I personally can not stand it. As events took place and life happened I have become much worse about my house. A few things on the floor and I am freaking out because I feel like it looks like it is trashed! What if someone comes by, what if I get a visitor (which happens once in a blue moon) and they see my house all messy. The reality is and I know this but it is something I can not help put into play is this. I have kids! I have 5 kids. My house is not going to look like something out of a magazine. My house is going to have shit all over it. There are going to be dirty clothes on the floor, toys, books, paper, and anything else they can get their little hands on to play with. My house is going to look lived in. It isn’t going to be dust free, or clutter free, because that is not the life of having kids. I have recently down sided the amount of stuff in my house and you can not even tell. Why? Because I have five kids! That doesn’t change the fact that it drives me crazy!!!
It becomes stressful and overwhelming when I am being pulled five different directions if not more. I don’t have much “me” time if any. I am always doing stuff for my children, helping them with their schooling, making sure they aren’t killing each other, playing with them, reading to them. I don’t think I ever just get a chance to just sit and stare off into space. Reading is limited except if I jump on the computer for a few mins. Friends??? well, unless they completely understand, which most don’t. My friends are people on the computer. Not many in real life that live around me. They have their lives and well, I have five children. Drama is less that why. So socializing is limited into what can I fit into today and not be dead tired by 630pm.
It isn’t all shitty. I get five times the hugs, the back talking, the I love yous. I get to know that each one of them need me even on my worst days, they still love me and need me. I get to know that everything I am doing, teaching them is my doing, my responsibility even if what is being said out of their sweet little mouths makes me cringe. But my life is never dull. There is always something going on, something that needs cleaned, someone who needs fed. Even now my three year old as I am typing this is telling me he is “hungry really hard” I guess that means he is really hungry.
So, I will leave you with this… Next time you are some place and you see a lady, or man with more children and they look a little stressed out, don’t judge them. It isn’t that we are hateful mean parents, or care givers, it isn’t that we like to yell or cry. It isn’t that we want to mean mug everyone, but we are tired. We are taxed out and we are being pulled into different directions all the time. Just smile. Sometimes a smile makes us feel like we are being noticed more than the tribe that is following us and their behaviors. It makes us feel noticed because we are people too. We are the ones that are trying to control the untamed small little star dust creatures, sometimes on our own. A smile can do so much!!
lots of love to you!
For the last four years, spring has not only bloomed with flowers, trees, and grown grass, but also memories. The early morning sunrise as I watch it from my windows making my five children breakfast and sipping my coffee, my mind is flooded with memories. Memories of another life I lived. Reminds are all around me still, yet I push through them daily and continue on. Yet, spring is always a reminder of the beginning of a life I live four years ago. A life that was a forever a life lesson, a realization of how easy it is to get sucked up into other people’s life, drama and how someone took my world, everything I new and turned it upside down in a matter of a few months. Before I knew it I was making excuses, living a life I had no business living and the trauma that would follow for years to come.
It was my storm, one that I had to walk in order to understand. In order to remember not to be judgmental of other’s situations because in reality we really know nothing of another person’s struggles, life choices or anything else. How easy is it to be sucked into a world filled with pure hell, living fast days becoming blurry and a big hole of memories that are forever lost. Looking at pictures and not remembering the day or the surroundings unless it was a horrible event.
No, I was not addicted to drugs, but I was addicted to a person. The world that I was sucked in was unlike any other world I have ever been in. A world where choices were made and they were not wise choices by any means. Hanging around people who were nothing but emotional vampires that sucked the good, the happiness, the comfort of every day life completely out of you without a second thought. It was your fault though. The events that took place, just ask them.
I have very few memories of my kids during this time frame, I can tell you I almost died. A part of me did die that year. My comfort in every day life died. I now suffer from anxiety attacks, panic attacks and I freak out over the smallest things. My house has to be clean, and I feel like a few socks on the floor makes my house look trashed out. In restaurants when one of my twins throws a temper tantrum I freak out and feel the whole world starring at me. I wish the floor would open up because I know all these people are looking at me, making comments, judgement of what they feel like I should or should not be doing at that moment in time. I use to not care, but then the storm hit and I do care.
But, I am slowly learning not to again. With help from instagram group, I am learning that I shouldn’t have to apologize for living my life, for my kids screaming, for my reactions. Because in reality, no one knows the right choices to make in those situations, it is never going to be what someone else would do. I am learning that my past, my mistakes makes me who I am, and it is no one else’s place to judge me and if they do, that’s their problem, their opinions of my life and what I do shouldn’t matter to me because, well honestly where was their life book on how to do things when I needed one?
My point is as I ramble and place things all over this post is. You can get through anything if you want to. No it isn’t an easy road, you have to develop a thick skin, keep your head up against the odds and the judging. But, You can do it! You can find love for yourself, forgive yourself and remember that after every storm there is something beautiful at the end of the storm! No one in this world is perfect and if they seem that way, it is their way of dealing with the hand they were given. That is how they choose to cope with their lives, their struggles, their past. Everyone needs love, even the haters. If you choose to show those people love and understanding then you truly gained understanding in this world.
Lots of love to you!
Since I have had the twins and be on my own for 11 hours a day, I have become overwhelmingly stressed out. Stressed to the point where my neck and shoulders hurt all the time. I tried to find way to make “me” time. Tried going out on the weekends, however all of those attempts have failed. I keep telling myself this is a short term thing, that this will not last forever. So in my many attempts to un stress myself, I introduced play doh to my 3 year old. We had four different colors and our imagination. My oldest two children joined in as well on the play doh fun. We played for an hour and a half, no tools, no cookie cutters. Just our imagination. I watched my older two build snakes and snowman, while my 3 year old build mermaids, angels, snakes, witches anything else his little imagination could come up with. My older two decided they wanted to go outside and play, so I was thinking well, this was fun little spot in time. However, my 3 year old slide over by me and said” play with me mommy”. So, I sat at the table with him, grabbed the color green and made mermaids, a witch with a broom and of course a pumpkin. My 3 year old was very upset when it was time to clean up and get ready for lunch. I have a feeling this afternoon will be filled with more play doh projects. I have to say, it was nice sitting there making different things with the children and forgetting all my adult responsibilities even if it was for a few short hours. Life was so much simple when we were little, at least I think so.
As of lately, I have started following a lot of different accounts and people on Instagram as well as Snapchat. One of the topics that was recently discussed was unfinished goals, things that you should have finished, but just haven’t done them yet. Put these ideas, goals whatever it is on the back burner hoping for another day to finish these projects. One of them that came to mind was my blog. I had so many different ideas for this blog at one time. So many different directions I had considered taking it. Yet, here it sits with hardly any continuous posts in years. I guess a part of me was hoping to keep the reader happy. What does the reader want to read? Stories? My not so exciting but crazy life with five children or the stories my mind wonders day to day of adventures? The bottom line is this, it is more of an outlet for me than for anyone else. Sure people might read it, might get something out of it, a laugh, a smile, a cry or maybe knowing that there is someone out there who understands what you are currently or have gone through. To me, this is my allowed selfish time. This is the time that I make for myself to write, to journal, to do what I need to do in all of the craziness of being a mom of five small children. For here is the place, where there are no expectations place upon me, no one to let down because I didn’t do what they thought I should do at that moment. My place, my space. To speak freely of all my troubles. I do plan on writing more often, I am hoping to write every day this month.. That is my goal, this is for me to release all of my built up emotions that circle my head daily and no outlet.
One of the biggest struggles for me is dealing with all the screaming. I cannot begin to tell you how much it pisses me off to hear a kid scream. My twins will start as we are walking through Wal-Mart and they will begin screaming and crying. Why you ask? Who the hell knows..?? Because they can is the only answer I have come up with. So, because I personally do not want to hear it and it pisses me off and makes me more irritable than I already am, I open up some sort of snack food in Wal-Mart. Yes, I am that mother that shoves food in their face at the store because I do not want to hear the endless screaming and crying. I get dirty looks all the time. Honestly, I don’t care. Come be with these kids for 5 minutes when they are like this, I bet you would do the same thing if not walk away. But, it isn’t just the screaming, it is a 3 year old running around trying to help, then being a 3 year old and running. I have my older two making noise and dancing around the store. I am sure we look like the next freak show in all our glory. But, it is what it is.
So now that I have covered the shopping trips, I tend not to leave the house for this very reason.. The screaming at the top of their lungs, ear piercings screams that makes you want to slap whatever the hell is making that noise. Well, I have 3 that currently do this. The twins have become exceptionally bad about this, my 3 year old does his fair share as well. An example, I am trying to get homeschooling done for my two oldest, my three year old being him, goes over to one of the twins and takes something away from him, well, he screams. I say please stop screaming. My three year old gets a smile, goes to his sister and does something to make her scream. Now it is a game. Joy oh joy for me. Now my three year old will spend the next five to ten minutes making them scream, one at a time or both together. I get angry, yell, knock it off. It is silent for 30 seconds. Now, off to the next pain in the ass thing.
Most people cringe when they see a mother of 5 children trailing behind her. It doesn’t matter if we are at a park or a grocery store. Chances are people will give the look, and make comments such as; you know what causes that, right?!!! Well, I am here to tell you that yes, I am well aware of what causes it, and considering I was told I would never have any children besides my oldest, I would consider myself pretty lucky. No, my intent was never to have 5 children, but sometimes life happens when you are busy making other plans.
This blog is my release, these are my stories and they are real. They are not sugar coated for your viewing pleasure, they are the strength and weaknesses of my ever day life. A mother of 3 plus two, because you guessed it, my last pregnancy I had twins. Yes, there is a girl mixed in with all those boys and no, she is not a wimp, she is probably the meanest and sweetest out of them all. She has to be, she has four brothers picking on her all the time.
I also home school. Yes you guessed it, I have lost my mind. But honestly, I feel better knowing where they are, they are safe with me and that they are my pains in the ass! You pretty much can figure that Mondays and Fridays very little work will be done, because who really wants to work on Mondays and Fridays. But aren’t we like that with our jobs?? Although being a stay at home mom, there are no 9 to 5 jobs where I can come home and crash after a long hard day. It would be nice, but this is the real world, right??!!
Last but not least, my children are not perfect and neither am I. I do not claim to be anything but me and I don’t expect anything from my children but who they are. Some of my children have their ears pierced, some of them cuss better than some of the adults I know. Is it allowed?? No, but it happens. Like I said, this is the real world. This is my world, with my five children and my adventures or weakness throughout the day. So, if you are needing a good read, or possibly to feel better about your own world and the craziness that happens, pop open a beer, grab a glass of wine, tea, or coffee and read my world. Enjoy the adventures, because they don’t last forever and we cannot get these times back, we cannot relive these days and some I am glad we can’t.
Although she lays Shriver frozen in time
I wanted to enjoy her beauty, her scent, her colors, I wanted her to be mine.
But as I take a closer look, I see that her beauty never left her, that her beauty is fine.
I see now that she is and will always be mine. Frozen in time just as she lays, preserved and beautiful till the end of time.
I have to admit, while going to school online I really didn’t feel like keeping up with a blog, not to mention after having my third child, I had no desire to be on the computer what so ever. When I quit school, I quit getting on my computer. I would turn it on to upload my photos to my computer and called it good. Everything else that could be done on my phone or tablet was done there. I disliked getting on my laptop for any reason. I am slowly starting to get back on it, only to find that my battery is shot and I need a new one. Such is life, right?? There has been many changes to my life since that last time I blogged. Some of them good, most of them good. I have had a chance to find me a little bit, I know most of you are thinking, how with five kids?? But, you make time. You have to, otherwise you get lost until your children turn 18 and you don’t know who you are because you spent every waking moment since birth tending to their every desire and never having any “me” time. Selfish some may say, but, my kids are good, they are taken care of and they don’t want or need for anything. So I would have to say I am at least doing my job. There are some topics that I have been wanting to blog about and share with you. I am hoping that you will find them informational and entertaining, if nothing else. I mean what else do you have to do on the internet right? haha Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, stay tuned for up coming blog post in the future.
I know it has been months since I last wrote a story on here. So I thought I would give you all a story. I will try harder to keep stories going again. Enjoy!
After what seemed like a two years slumber she awoke. The awaking wasn’t a pleasant feeling, more of a lost and confused state of mind over anything else. Everything that she thought she knew was nothing more than just a lie. A lie, that cost her dearly in the long run, not just friendships, but her own self-esteem, as well as respect for herself. Marie had loved him dearly, but now she wondered who and what she really loved about him. He wasn’t perfect by any means. but she had learned to overlook it as well as make up countless excuses for him.
What started out to be an innocent friendship had turned into something far more than she had ever expected. She had fallen in love with his rugged way of life, his freedom she envied as well as his free spirt that never changed no matter if he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. To Marie, the life seemed to be magical. She never thought she could find happiness in driving around on country roads listening to music for hours nothing, but music and endless conversation. In their down time they would share dances in the living room or watch hours of horror movies. All things she enjoyed and loved. It didn’t matter if there was money in the bank or if he bought her anything she was content or so she thought.
Their relationship seemed to be perfect to her. But you see, she was lying to herself as well. Things weren’t perfect. He was her drug, the only drug she had ever been addicted to. When life seemed to get bad all she could do is think,” if I could just see him or talk to him I know everything would be okay again”. It was a band aide in which she used to fix her problems, but really it was no different than a junky taking a fix on another bump. She seemed to forget all the times he left her crying, or ruined her fun when she went out to try and have some. The holidays or birthdays that he ruined by being selfish and dumping his problems on her. Getting drunk because he was “mad” at something going on in life and that was his “fix” to the problem. Meanwhile she was left to babysit him and keep his spirts high no matter the cost to her.
She put up with the countless women texting him nude photos, and sexting him all hours of the night. Eugene would tell her that they were just friends, they were no one and she had nothing to worry about. But deep down inside her, she didn’t believe him. That small voice that is inside all of us that tells us that something is wrong, she chose to ignore it. Because then, and only then she would have to admit that she was wrong about him, that she couldn’t save him after all and little by little he was destroying her.
Marie spent a year chasing after him, taking care of him, getting him everything he needed and being his emotional rock. Just when things seemed to be getting better and she was getting him all to herself, she found out she was pregnant. She was excited about being pregnant because she believe they were truly in love with each other. They had created something amazing and beautiful.. Life. But we all know this isn’t a Disney cartoon and real life isn’t full of happy endings or turn out the way we had hoped. Things went from bad to worse and she continued to make up excuses for him justifying his behavior, him looking or texting other woman or not coming home for a few nights.
Months went by, tears continued to fall and yet she still made up excuses for him. She loved him he was her everything. He had become her knight in shining armor. He was what she wanted and she believed that her and this baby could save him from himself. But she was only lying to herself as much as he was lying to her.
The day came and baby was born. She told herself things would get better in a few months, everything was just stressful with a new baby and learning to adjust to the new life as well as everything else that was going on in the background that didn’t seemed to matter as much as it should have.
Only a few short months after baby was born, he told her he needed a break. That he was going to focus on his job and other things. That he would be back and he wasn’t going to see any other woman, he loved her, she was his angel. Him and her forever!!! But, it was a lie. He had already moved on to another woman. She was old news and baby was nothing more than a tool he would use against her to get whatever it was he wanted. This continued on for several months. Marie had no idea the true damage Eugene had caused her.
One night after a big fight they had gotten into she had developed this horrible fear. Suddenly she became scared of everything. Fears of things she never had before all of a sudden scared her. She felt like no cop in the world, no home security system or bars on the windows could protect her or save her from this sudden fear of doom. This was the first of many incidents to happen from then on.
After Eugene left Marie, he continued to tell her how much he loved her even though he was sharing his bed with another woman. Lead her on for months with broken promises and continued to use their child to gain what he desired from her. Then one day, he packed up and moved away with this new woman. Marie wanted to die, she felt like she left down everyone in her life. Yet she still could not see all the damage that had been done to everyone around her and herself. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and that no one in the world could replace him. What they had was magical, it was real. They were meant to be together, this was all just a bad dream right?? I mean this isn’t how this is suppose to end, not after all the effort she put into the relationship. But, it truly was the end of the dream or nightmare she had been living.
She was getting rehab for her “drug addiction” to him and that came in the way of friends and loved ones pointing out things that she couldn’t see before. Over the course of the next few months she would start remembering things that went on and how it shouldn’t have happened that way. She was finding out the truth that was hidden from her for so long about who he truly was. She had a lot of pain and built up anger. This wasn’t Marie, she was a happy loving person. She wasn’t one to take crap off of anyone yet she had for this man for two years. She learned all the lies that were told to her, all the heart breaking situations and the struggle that she went through to keep a relationship between her child and Eugene was for nothing. Because in the end he really didn’t care, she lost who she was, her self esteem , and developed anxiety problems all from dealing with his crap for two years.
No, this is not a Disney fairy tale where the knight in shining armor saves the princess and they live happily ever after. This is where the woman realizes that her knight was nothing more than a loser dressed up in tin foil, that he didn’t ride in on a horse to save her but rather a tornado in the middle of the night, from a freak storm, that drops out of nowhere and levels a sleeping town. The love she had for him would probably never go away, but that is only because she didn’t really know who he was. She fell in love with someone who wasn’t real. One of his many faces he put on to the women around him to gain what he wanted.
So no, our damsel doesn’t end up with the knight, but she does end up with something much better. It is funny how the world works, when you wish upon the stars in the sky for something, yet there is something out there that knows what you want isn’t what you need or isn’t really good for you, sometimes the universe or whatever you may believe in has a way of giving you just what you need in replace of what you originally wanted.
Eugene went on to be a convict and his location is currently unknown.
Marie and her beautiful baby are living a full happy life. She started a new fairy tale, one without a man, but one with a wonderful life for her and her baby. She is living out her dreams. Are you?
It is crazy how one can be so much a part of your life, then one day they are no longer a part of your life. One never realizes how much a part of their life they have become until it is too late and that time has long passed on. There is no turning the clock and going back to yesterday. No matter how much we may want to. The mistakes and the wishes we make every day only to have them fade and are forgotten. Sometimes those mistakes do not leave us though. They haunt us in our dreams and our reality. The bottom line is everyone wants to be important to someone. We all want to be some unforgettable person to someone. Sometimes those wishes that we make to be that in someone’s life turns into our own demons that forever haunt us.
So where do we go from here? How do we get over these haunting feelings that keep running through our mind like a hamster on his spinning wheel? Going back talking with friends, reading journals, looking at pictures.. A whole life that once was is nothing more now than a memory. The feelings of yesterday are long for over and over again. Conversations, places, events all of keep taking place over and over again and all one ever wants is answers and some sort closer. But most of us are not able to get that kind of closer.
The screaming at the top of your lungs, the pain that is felt daily in the chest that makes it hard to breathe until it just becomes a part of everyday life. Till eventually the tears start to over flow and run down your face with a great sense of pain with every drop. Although it should help to cry it out, it only makes you feel worse and question why this all happened and what could have been differently. There are no answers that follow that pain or those tears.
Sure you can delete the photos, text messages, but the memories that are imbedded in your mind is what is left for one to deal with every day rain or shine. A song can trigger the tears no matter how strong one tries to be, those damn tears shed so quickly before you realize what has happened. A time of happiness comes to mind, dancing around, laughing, saying I love yous, kissing and hugging and holding each other.. The act of staring into each other’s eyes and looking at each other’s naked soul, being able to honestly see each other, no secrets, no lies but truly seeing each other on a deeper level all to have it shatter like broken glass laying on the floor. How do you pick up those pieces? How do you fix the broken glass and make it into what it once was?? Millions of pieces lying on the floor, sharp painful pieces of a life that was once adored now is no more. Even if those pieces were to be placed back together, there are small pieces lying on that floor that can never be found and put back with the rest of those pieces. They are too small and fine to find them unless you stick them in your hand when you are gluing those pieces back together.
All the blood, tears, and pain that accompany putting those pieces back together just to have the shiny glass object not so shinny anymore and not completely there.. The blood still drips from your hand even those some of those pieces have been put back together. You lay it on the table and go to wash off the blood and dry your eyes to come back and see it has fallen on the floor again and smashed into a thousand more pieces and each time it gets worse and worse and the pain that is felt each time is that much worse than the first time it was put together. The breathing begins to get harder and harder from the pain that is felt from the inside out. But, instead of asking for help or having someone’s shoulder to cry on, you put on a fake smile and you try and find who you were before you knew them… Who were you before you knew them?? What makes you happy?? Can anyone make you happy the way they once did?? Probably not because that was all a dream.. None of it really happened, at least not the way you actually remember it and reality comes and smacks you and says HEY, IT NEVER HAPPENED THAT WAY, YOU JUST DID IT TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE HORRIBLE TRUTH.. Reality can be so much to grasp, that you take a deep breath look around you and pretend to be okay, when it actually kills you. Everything you see hurts and feels like someone just cut you with a knife and ran away or smacked you really hard in the face until you can’t handle it anymore and have to leave just so you can breathe for a moment….. Just to face it again another day.
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