One of the biggest struggles for me is dealing with all the screaming. I cannot begin to tell you how much it pisses me off to hear a kid scream. My twins will start as we are walking through Wal-Mart and they will begin screaming and crying. Why you ask? Who the hell knows..?? Because they can is the only answer I have come up with. So, because I personally do not want to hear it and it pisses me off and makes me more irritable than I already am, I open up some sort of snack food in Wal-Mart. Yes, I am that mother that shoves food in their face at the store because I do not want to hear the endless screaming and crying. I get dirty looks all the time. Honestly, I don’t care. Come be with these kids for 5 minutes when they are like this, I bet you would do the same thing if not walk away. But, it isn’t just the screaming, it is a 3 year old running around trying to help, then being a 3 year old and running. I have my older two making noise and dancing around the store. I am sure we look like the next freak show in all our glory. But, it is what it is.
So now that I have covered the shopping trips, I tend not to leave the house for this very reason.. The screaming at the top of their lungs, ear piercings screams that makes you want to slap whatever the hell is making that noise. Well, I have 3 that currently do this. The twins have become exceptionally bad about this, my 3 year old does his fair share as well. An example, I am trying to get homeschooling done for my two oldest, my three year old being him, goes over to one of the twins and takes something away from him, well, he screams. I say please stop screaming. My three year old gets a smile, goes to his sister and does something to make her scream. Now it is a game. Joy oh joy for me. Now my three year old will spend the next five to ten minutes making them scream, one at a time or both together. I get angry, yell, knock it off. It is silent for 30 seconds. Now, off to the next pain in the ass thing.
Most people cringe when they see a mother of 5 children trailing behind her. It doesn’t matter if we are at a park or a grocery store. Chances are people will give the look, and make comments such as; you know what causes that, right?!!! Well, I am here to tell you that yes, I am well aware of what causes it, and considering I was told I would never have any children besides my oldest, I would consider myself pretty lucky. No, my intent was never to have 5 children, but sometimes life happens when you are busy making other plans.
This blog is my release, these are my stories and they are real. They are not sugar coated for your viewing pleasure, they are the strength and weaknesses of my ever day life. A mother of 3 plus two, because you guessed it, my last pregnancy I had twins. Yes, there is a girl mixed in with all those boys and no, she is not a wimp, she is probably the meanest and sweetest out of them all. She has to be, she has four brothers picking on her all the time.
I also home school. Yes you guessed it, I have lost my mind. But honestly, I feel better knowing where they are, they are safe with me and that they are my pains in the ass! You pretty much can figure that Mondays and Fridays very little work will be done, because who really wants to work on Mondays and Fridays. But aren’t we like that with our jobs?? Although being a stay at home mom, there are no 9 to 5 jobs where I can come home and crash after a long hard day. It would be nice, but this is the real world, right??!!
Last but not least, my children are not perfect and neither am I. I do not claim to be anything but me and I don’t expect anything from my children but who they are. Some of my children have their ears pierced, some of them cuss better than some of the adults I know. Is it allowed?? No, but it happens. Like I said, this is the real world. This is my world, with my five children and my adventures or weakness throughout the day. So, if you are needing a good read, or possibly to feel better about your own world and the craziness that happens, pop open a beer, grab a glass of wine, tea, or coffee and read my world. Enjoy the adventures, because they don’t last forever and we cannot get these times back, we cannot relive these days and some I am glad we can’t.
Although she lays Shriver frozen in time
I wanted to enjoy her beauty, her scent, her colors, I wanted her to be mine.
But as I take a closer look, I see that her beauty never left her, that her beauty is fine.
I see now that she is and will always be mine. Frozen in time just as she lays, preserved and beautiful till the end of time.
I have to admit, while going to school online I really didn’t feel like keeping up with a blog, not to mention after having my third child, I had no desire to be on the computer what so ever. When I quit school, I quit getting on my computer. I would turn it on to upload my photos to my computer and called it good. Everything else that could be done on my phone or tablet was done there. I disliked getting on my laptop for any reason. I am slowly starting to get back on it, only to find that my battery is shot and I need a new one. Such is life, right?? There has been many changes to my life since that last time I blogged. Some of them good, most of them good. I have had a chance to find me a little bit, I know most of you are thinking, how with five kids?? But, you make time. You have to, otherwise you get lost until your children turn 18 and you don’t know who you are because you spent every waking moment since birth tending to their every desire and never having any “me” time. Selfish some may say, but, my kids are good, they are taken care of and they don’t want or need for anything. So I would have to say I am at least doing my job. There are some topics that I have been wanting to blog about and share with you. I am hoping that you will find them informational and entertaining, if nothing else. I mean what else do you have to do on the internet right? haha Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, stay tuned for up coming blog post in the future.
I know it has been months since I last wrote a story on here. So I thought I would give you all a story. I will try harder to keep stories going again. Enjoy!
After what seemed like a two years slumber she awoke. The awaking wasn’t a pleasant feeling, more of a lost and confused state of mind over anything else. Everything that she thought she knew was nothing more than just a lie. A lie, that cost her dearly in the long run, not just friendships, but her own self-esteem, as well as respect for herself. Marie had loved him dearly, but now she wondered who and what she really loved about him. He wasn’t perfect by any means. but she had learned to overlook it as well as make up countless excuses for him.
What started out to be an innocent friendship had turned into something far more than she had ever expected. She had fallen in love with his rugged way of life, his freedom she envied as well as his free spirt that never changed no matter if he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. To Marie, the life seemed to be magical. She never thought she could find happiness in driving around on country roads listening to music for hours nothing, but music and endless conversation. In their down time they would share dances in the living room or watch hours of horror movies. All things she enjoyed and loved. It didn’t matter if there was money in the bank or if he bought her anything she was content or so she thought.
Their relationship seemed to be perfect to her. But you see, she was lying to herself as well. Things weren’t perfect. He was her drug, the only drug she had ever been addicted to. When life seemed to get bad all she could do is think,” if I could just see him or talk to him I know everything would be okay again”. It was a band aide in which she used to fix her problems, but really it was no different than a junky taking a fix on another bump. She seemed to forget all the times he left her crying, or ruined her fun when she went out to try and have some. The holidays or birthdays that he ruined by being selfish and dumping his problems on her. Getting drunk because he was “mad” at something going on in life and that was his “fix” to the problem. Meanwhile she was left to babysit him and keep his spirts high no matter the cost to her.
She put up with the countless women texting him nude photos, and sexting him all hours of the night. Eugene would tell her that they were just friends, they were no one and she had nothing to worry about. But deep down inside her, she didn’t believe him. That small voice that is inside all of us that tells us that something is wrong, she chose to ignore it. Because then, and only then she would have to admit that she was wrong about him, that she couldn’t save him after all and little by little he was destroying her.
Marie spent a year chasing after him, taking care of him, getting him everything he needed and being his emotional rock. Just when things seemed to be getting better and she was getting him all to herself, she found out she was pregnant. She was excited about being pregnant because she believe they were truly in love with each other. They had created something amazing and beautiful.. Life. But we all know this isn’t a Disney cartoon and real life isn’t full of happy endings or turn out the way we had hoped. Things went from bad to worse and she continued to make up excuses for him justifying his behavior, him looking or texting other woman or not coming home for a few nights.
Months went by, tears continued to fall and yet she still made up excuses for him. She loved him he was her everything. He had become her knight in shining armor. He was what she wanted and she believed that her and this baby could save him from himself. But she was only lying to herself as much as he was lying to her.
The day came and baby was born. She told herself things would get better in a few months, everything was just stressful with a new baby and learning to adjust to the new life as well as everything else that was going on in the background that didn’t seemed to matter as much as it should have.
Only a few short months after baby was born, he told her he needed a break. That he was going to focus on his job and other things. That he would be back and he wasn’t going to see any other woman, he loved her, she was his angel. Him and her forever!!! But, it was a lie. He had already moved on to another woman. She was old news and baby was nothing more than a tool he would use against her to get whatever it was he wanted. This continued on for several months. Marie had no idea the true damage Eugene had caused her.
One night after a big fight they had gotten into she had developed this horrible fear. Suddenly she became scared of everything. Fears of things she never had before all of a sudden scared her. She felt like no cop in the world, no home security system or bars on the windows could protect her or save her from this sudden fear of doom. This was the first of many incidents to happen from then on.
After Eugene left Marie, he continued to tell her how much he loved her even though he was sharing his bed with another woman. Lead her on for months with broken promises and continued to use their child to gain what he desired from her. Then one day, he packed up and moved away with this new woman. Marie wanted to die, she felt like she left down everyone in her life. Yet she still could not see all the damage that had been done to everyone around her and herself. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and that no one in the world could replace him. What they had was magical, it was real. They were meant to be together, this was all just a bad dream right?? I mean this isn’t how this is suppose to end, not after all the effort she put into the relationship. But, it truly was the end of the dream or nightmare she had been living.
She was getting rehab for her “drug addiction” to him and that came in the way of friends and loved ones pointing out things that she couldn’t see before. Over the course of the next few months she would start remembering things that went on and how it shouldn’t have happened that way. She was finding out the truth that was hidden from her for so long about who he truly was. She had a lot of pain and built up anger. This wasn’t Marie, she was a happy loving person. She wasn’t one to take crap off of anyone yet she had for this man for two years. She learned all the lies that were told to her, all the heart breaking situations and the struggle that she went through to keep a relationship between her child and Eugene was for nothing. Because in the end he really didn’t care, she lost who she was, her self esteem , and developed anxiety problems all from dealing with his crap for two years.
No, this is not a Disney fairy tale where the knight in shining armor saves the princess and they live happily ever after. This is where the woman realizes that her knight was nothing more than a loser dressed up in tin foil, that he didn’t ride in on a horse to save her but rather a tornado in the middle of the night, from a freak storm, that drops out of nowhere and levels a sleeping town. The love she had for him would probably never go away, but that is only because she didn’t really know who he was. She fell in love with someone who wasn’t real. One of his many faces he put on to the women around him to gain what he wanted.
So no, our damsel doesn’t end up with the knight, but she does end up with something much better. It is funny how the world works, when you wish upon the stars in the sky for something, yet there is something out there that knows what you want isn’t what you need or isn’t really good for you, sometimes the universe or whatever you may believe in has a way of giving you just what you need in replace of what you originally wanted.
Eugene went on to be a convict and his location is currently unknown.
Marie and her beautiful baby are living a full happy life. She started a new fairy tale, one without a man, but one with a wonderful life for her and her baby. She is living out her dreams. Are you?
It is crazy how one can be so much a part of your life, then one day they are no longer a part of your life. One never realizes how much a part of their life they have become until it is too late and that time has long passed on. There is no turning the clock and going back to yesterday. No matter how much we may want to. The mistakes and the wishes we make every day only to have them fade and are forgotten. Sometimes those mistakes do not leave us though. They haunt us in our dreams and our reality. The bottom line is everyone wants to be important to someone. We all want to be some unforgettable person to someone. Sometimes those wishes that we make to be that in someone’s life turns into our own demons that forever haunt us.
So where do we go from here? How do we get over these haunting feelings that keep running through our mind like a hamster on his spinning wheel? Going back talking with friends, reading journals, looking at pictures.. A whole life that once was is nothing more now than a memory. The feelings of yesterday are long for over and over again. Conversations, places, events all of keep taking place over and over again and all one ever wants is answers and some sort closer. But most of us are not able to get that kind of closer.
The screaming at the top of your lungs, the pain that is felt daily in the chest that makes it hard to breathe until it just becomes a part of everyday life. Till eventually the tears start to over flow and run down your face with a great sense of pain with every drop. Although it should help to cry it out, it only makes you feel worse and question why this all happened and what could have been differently. There are no answers that follow that pain or those tears.
Sure you can delete the photos, text messages, but the memories that are imbedded in your mind is what is left for one to deal with every day rain or shine. A song can trigger the tears no matter how strong one tries to be, those damn tears shed so quickly before you realize what has happened. A time of happiness comes to mind, dancing around, laughing, saying I love yous, kissing and hugging and holding each other.. The act of staring into each other’s eyes and looking at each other’s naked soul, being able to honestly see each other, no secrets, no lies but truly seeing each other on a deeper level all to have it shatter like broken glass laying on the floor. How do you pick up those pieces? How do you fix the broken glass and make it into what it once was?? Millions of pieces lying on the floor, sharp painful pieces of a life that was once adored now is no more. Even if those pieces were to be placed back together, there are small pieces lying on that floor that can never be found and put back with the rest of those pieces. They are too small and fine to find them unless you stick them in your hand when you are gluing those pieces back together.
All the blood, tears, and pain that accompany putting those pieces back together just to have the shiny glass object not so shinny anymore and not completely there.. The blood still drips from your hand even those some of those pieces have been put back together. You lay it on the table and go to wash off the blood and dry your eyes to come back and see it has fallen on the floor again and smashed into a thousand more pieces and each time it gets worse and worse and the pain that is felt each time is that much worse than the first time it was put together. The breathing begins to get harder and harder from the pain that is felt from the inside out. But, instead of asking for help or having someone’s shoulder to cry on, you put on a fake smile and you try and find who you were before you knew them… Who were you before you knew them?? What makes you happy?? Can anyone make you happy the way they once did?? Probably not because that was all a dream.. None of it really happened, at least not the way you actually remember it and reality comes and smacks you and says HEY, IT NEVER HAPPENED THAT WAY, YOU JUST DID IT TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE HORRIBLE TRUTH.. Reality can be so much to grasp, that you take a deep breath look around you and pretend to be okay, when it actually kills you. Everything you see hurts and feels like someone just cut you with a knife and ran away or smacked you really hard in the face until you can’t handle it anymore and have to leave just so you can breathe for a moment….. Just to face it again another day.
Four months before their child was born, she would wake up crying. She had a horrible feeling he would be leaving her soon. Although she expressed her concerns and fears to him, he would simply smile, and say “I’m not going anywhere”. For months it was like this for her. The agonizing pain of it all, she still continued on with all her heart.
A few months later their child was born. But she didn’t share the same joy as she thought she should have. She would look at her tiny baby in her arms and cry her heart out because she knew it was the begging of one chapter and the end of another in her life. Although she didn’t realize to what extent it would be.
2 months pass since their gift had been born; he was distancing himself more and more each day. Would make up reasons why he couldn’t spend time with her, why he couldn’t bring himself to make love to her like he used to. He would tell her things like he was tired or didn’t feel good in order of getting out of doing anything with her.
Then the day came, he had told her he would marry her that morning, talked about how much in love with her he was and so forth. Then something happened that changed the path that she thought she was supposed to be on forever. They got into a huge fight, a fight that a lot of people witnessed, they were still together but things were changing at an even faster pace. They fought more, more hurtful things were said, and until one day he put his hands on her. Although it shocked her more than anything, it was the start of the end. Although she forgave him for all he had done and still loved him more than life, it still happened.
Her days grew darker and the nights longer. She no longer looked forward to certain events, could no longer listen to certain music. All that was beautiful to her was not empty and sad. She developed depression which made it hard for her to even crawl out of bed in the mornings. The only thought she had when she woke up was “why?” He left her, although she should have seen it coming from miles away, she didn’t expect it when it slammed into her that night. It was like a million knives where being sliced at her heart with every breathe she took. She missed him and wanted him back and now all she was left with was a broken heart and a beautiful baby that she had to have the strength to get up and care for every day. Their child looks so much like him it was hard for her some days. She would sit there holding her baby crying into the blankets that wrapped around the child. Time went on and people said she would eventually get over it; however, it was on their almost one year anniversary that he had moved in his new girlfriend. Her heart filled with pain on this knowledge. She hoped it wouldn’t last long that it was some sort of joke, but they were the only ones laughing at her pain.
Time continued on and every day even though it didn’t feel like it she started to get stronger. She could look at their child without busting in to tears and for the most part she had stopped crying herself to sleep and throughout the day. She would still ask questions as to why it happened, what on earth she did to deserve such heartache, such pain from someone she truly loved. However, nothing answered back but a mocking reminder of how foolish she had been to trust so easily.
She started to question her sanity from time to time as to see if what she had believed to be true … Friends told her no, it was all an illusion however when she asked him, he told her it was all true. That what they had was very real.. Her heart believed one thing where her mind questioned and wondered in other areas.
Time continued to pass, her heart never fully put back together, but she continued on with her baby and tried to create the best life she could. She never did get back with him, although she misses him daily.. He hung her moon.
Lies unfold in front of your face,
Yet you are to blind to the taste.
Your heart over rides what your mind knows to be true
Yet their eyes are the only things that hold on to you.
You wait day and night for some sort of sign
All you hear is another sad sad pathetic line
Of a time that should happen in the future of happiness
Yet in the mean time you are nothing more than just a mess.
Hours, Days, weeks, and months go on
Nothing changes except the hope that fades far beyond
The love is still there, still deep in her heart, the smile brings back memories that the mind forgot
Yet nothing is different the pain still very real, the tears that are shed mean a lot
How could one leave such a love for another, the happiness and bond that they felt for each other
Only to be told I’m sorry I’ve moved on, you have no right to my life you aren’t my mother.
There go those dreams so quickly they have vanished, just like a blink of the eye
Here comes another lie.
A lie of forever how quickly the musical tune changed
She never saw it coming so blind by love
He fed her well with lies from above
His stories he would tell the nights they would dance
Only to discover that she had been in such a deep deep trance.
Now it is over with nothing left to be done
Except this hole in her heart where love once won
Bitterness sets in and has a deep grip
Maybe next time he will get the drip.
She had spent her whole life pleasing everyone else in her life to the point where she had become miserable herself. She had very few pleasures or dreams in which she still hung onto. With little to no support from people around her, she had decided that since she was having a midlife crisis she would pursue some of her lifelong dreams.
As the love of her life lay dying in her arms, she knew there wasn’t much left to live for, there were so many things she had wanted to do before she died and yet here she was spending it making others happy and making him happy. Yet, here he is leaving her forever, moving on and going elsewhere. She had nothing left but herself and loneliness.
She decided at that very moment she would take a chance and do the things she always dreamed of doing. She wasn’t going to let fear hold her back and she wasn’t going to spend the rest of her life pleasing other people. She was going to live her life as it was intended to be lived and do the things she wanted. Because she realized, life was too short to spend it unhappy forever and she knew she wouldn’t live forever, so really, what was she waiting for?
Upon waking up from what she thought was a dream had actually been a nightmare. Although she did not follow the advice of many who share their opinions and tried to help her, she continued to fall down that rabbit hole, looking for the next high.
She had devoted her life to him, given up things that meant the world to her in order to make him happy and be around him. But all of this came at a huge price, one that she did not realize she was paying until several months later.
She had given him her heart, she loved seeing him happy and his happiness came at a price that no one should ever have to pay. At least not the way she had to pay for it. But, I’m getting ahead of myself here. I should give you the background on her story. But before you begin to judge her, put yourself in her shoes and look deep into your own hearts and souls.
It all seemed so innocent. She had fallen in love with this with this man. She spent her time giving into his every desire. She missed him like crazy when he was gone and was more than happy when he returned. At least that is what she kept telling herself. All he would have to say is a few nice things to her or tell her he missed and loved her and she was putty in his hands. This started out so simple, so innocent.
First it was spending time together, but she noticed he was sweet talking her into giving him money when he was short. She didn’t mind so much because she loved him. She figured that one day he would pay her back. Until the day came when he looked at her and said, how about if I just marry you and pay off all my debt this way. When she heard those words she felt butterflies in her heart. She adored him and couldn’t see what everyone else had been seeing or telling her. To her he hung the moon, he was the first person she had ever opened up to. Although she had opened up to him, or so she told herself, she never felt like she could really be herself around him.
She had made up an alter personality in which she was around him. One where she was passive and obedient, complete opposite from who she really was. She would get angry and hurt by him blowing her off at times or continuing with his habits, but she would never say anything, she would pretend she was alright and keep going on. She would give up kissing her children goodnight and spend her evenings, nights and weekends with him..
This continued, he would tell her such things as she was his girl, his angel, and it was just the two of them forever. That he loved her and she had his heart. This would make everything alright again no matter what was going on, everything would just be alright. But the reality was that everything wasn’t alright. She could forget her problems while she was with him, dancing around the room listening to music and smiling. But at the end of the day those problems were still there and they were growing larger each day. She begins to tire easily and slowly start sinking into depression. Although she kept herself so busy she didn’t notice it. At least not at first, she earns a trip to the hospital due to stress among other things. Still when she returns “home” she is back to doing everything before, she doesn’t grieve when she needed to nor was she able to feel sad or deal with anything of her personal life because she was so busy trying to make him happy and give him what he wanted.
For months she wished on stars and prayed to god to give her some sort of answer, some sort of break, she just couldn’t handle all that life was handing to her. She was wearing out, she wasn’t smiling and the depression had become worse.
Finally after friends had to her to break the connection and walk away, something she felt like she was unable to do, he ended it with her. He walks away. Tells her it’s temporary and that the timing had become all wrong. Little does she know that she has already been replaced by someone else. Her self-image is gone. No self-esteem, no love for herself. She is completely broken. She is left with a million questions and no answers. No goodbyes this is temporary. Until things start changing at an outrageous speed, he is now engaged to another woman. He is in love, this new woman is his life. She sits and cries for days and days. Until she begins to feel that she can’t possible cry any longer and then the tears come down like waterfalls on her cheeks. She keeps holding on to faith that they will get back together, but just when she starts to lose hope, she is sucked back into his world and she smiles for a few moments only to be crushed again with another request of his wants or demands. He bullies her repeatedly to get what he wants. Says hurtful things to her, tells her to go to hell, called her names. Yet she keeps giving him what he wants in hopes of him seeing how good she is to him and how much she loves him.
But he is blind by all of this, he is only thinking of himself and what he wants. Not what he is doing to her and how he is slowly killing her day by day with his hurtful ways and lies. Best friends is what he says they are, but she begins to think even that is a lie. A lie to get more and more things from her at a later time or keep her connected so she is his back up.
Time continues on, her friends begin to wear thing with patients with her on the situation.. She tries not to bother them. She is continued to be told to look at the picture as a whole, not just what she is seeing and if she can’t do it, look through someone else’s eyes and see the situation for what it really is. Again these requests and opinions fall on deaf ears.
Now everything is said and done.. She is now wide awake to what is going on around her and what she has done, and starts to realize all that she has given up. She slowly starts to figure out ways to put herself, her heart, and her life back together. But this time she decides to do it on her own and be there for herself and vows to never let someone get that close to her again.. It was a fantasy world she lived in, one in which she thought she was loved and believed all the lies that were told to her. The truth is, he was a fallen angel in which he did nothing but destroy someone who was good natured and truly loved him. This is the nightmare she has woke up to, not the fantasy dream she once had.
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