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Spring time

For the last four years, spring has not only bloomed with flowers, trees, and grown grass, but also memories. The early morning sunrise as I watch it from my windows making my five children breakfast and sipping my coffee, my mind is flooded with memories. Memories of another life I lived. Reminds are all around me still, yet I push through them daily and continue on. Yet, spring is always a reminder of the beginning of a life I live four years ago. A life that was a forever a life lesson, a realization of how easy it is to get sucked up into other people’s life, drama and how someone took my world, everything I new and turned it upside down in a matter of a few months. Before I knew it I was making excuses, living a life I had no business living and the trauma that would follow for years to come.

It was my storm, one that I had to walk in order to understand. In order to remember not to be judgmental of other’s situations because in reality we really know nothing of another person’s struggles, life choices or anything else. How easy is it to be sucked into a world filled with pure hell, living fast days becoming blurry and a big hole of memories that are forever lost. Looking at pictures and not remembering the day or the surroundings unless it was a horrible event.

No, I was not addicted to drugs, but I was addicted to a person. The world that I was sucked in was unlike any other world I have ever been in. A world where choices were made and they were not wise choices by any means. Hanging around people who were nothing but emotional vampires that sucked the good, the happiness, the comfort of every day life completely out of you without a second thought. It was your fault though. The events that took place, just ask them.

I have very few memories of my kids during this time frame, I can tell you I almost died. A part of me did die that year. My comfort in every day life died. I now suffer from anxiety attacks, panic attacks and I freak out over the smallest things. My house has to be clean, and I feel like a few socks on the floor makes my house look trashed out. In restaurants when one of my twins throws a temper tantrum I freak out and feel the whole world starring at me. I wish the floor would open up because I know all these people are looking at me, making comments, judgement of what they feel like I should or should not be doing at that moment in time. I use to not care, but then the storm hit and I do care.

But, I am slowly learning not to again. With help from instagram group, I am learning that I shouldn’t have to apologize for living my life, for my kids screaming, for my reactions. Because in reality, no one knows the right choices to make in those situations, it is never going to be what someone else would do. I am learning that my past, my mistakes makes me who I am, and it is no one else’s place to judge me and if they do, that’s their problem, their opinions of my life and what I do shouldn’t matter to me because, well honestly where was their life book on how to do things when I needed one?

My point is as I ramble and place things all over this post is. You can get through anything if you want to. No it isn’t an easy road, you have to develop a thick skin, keep your head up against the odds and the judging. But, You can do it! You can find love for yourself, forgive yourself and remember that after every storm there is something beautiful at the end of the storm! No one in this world is perfect and if they seem that way, it is their way of dealing with the hand they were given. That is how they choose to cope with their lives, their struggles, their past. Everyone needs love, even the haters. If you choose to show those people love and understanding then you truly gained understanding in this world.

Lots of love to you!

  • Betty Dillon   /   March 20, 2017., 9:09 amReply

    Please always remember that I love you! You also are doing an awesome job with your children. Please let me know if I can help you at any time!